By the flip of a coin

It was eight years ago, in the month of June. The thirteenth, if I remember right. Having graduated from high school with a respectable percentage in my final exams, but not quite enough to make it to the best of colleges, I had to take up entrance tests to various engineering institutes. And on that Sunday morning, I found myself sitting in this large auditorium, with my father, awaiting my turn to pick and choose my discipline at this university, the result of me netting a three thousand odd rank in their entrance exam.

Having had an early breakfast, followed by an hour-long train journey, I remember hunger gnawing at my insides. Dad and I snacked on some biscuits, thinking we’d save lunch for later. I had my heart set on mechanical engineering. This was partly because computer science, the course most sought after in years past, was now facing a bit of an uncertain future, what with the economic recession in the US, and other fields like electrical and electronic engineering not making much sense to me (I had previously gone through the course curriculum, and they might as well have been written in Greek or Latin).

However, I was not the only one thinking along those lines, clearly evident by the rapidly declining number of seats left under the mechanical engineering department. Before long, there were none left, and I found myself having to choose other options.

After some thought, I settled on automobile engineering. And, it made sense back then, but doesn’t anymore, to choose chemical engineering. Probably because I’d scored pretty well in chemistry. I spoke to a friend of Dad’s, and he said they were both pretty good fields to study, with job opportunities galore.

At about 4 PM, it was my turn, at long last. We made our way through a winding hallway, and were seated at a little booth, with a computer and one of the university staff manning it. Since this process was done with batches of applicants at a time, I had to wait my turn. I was asked for my options, which were entered into the computer, and if they were still available when my turn came up, I could take what I chose.

Couple of minutes later, it was my moment of truth. As it turned out, both options were still available, and I now had to choose between automobile and chemical engineering. Knowing that there wasn’t much time, and that I was bad at making decisions, I turned to my dad and asked him for a coin. I remember the staffer watching me with amused incredulity. I flipped the coin — heads for chemical engineering, tails for automobile engineering — and it came up heads. That’s what I went with.

As life would have it, I ended up going to a different college, one that wasn’t as expensive, or illustrious. Small consolation, I did get to take up mechanical engineering there though.

Eight years later, I find that I’m still bad at making decisions. If anything, it’s only gotten worse. There are times when having to make a decision leaves me paralyzed, where I keep vacillating, weighing one option against the other. It could be something trivial, like choosing what I want to eat from the menu while the waitress is hovering by the table, or if I should message this girl I liked on a dating app, to decisions more momentous. It could be that the passage of time, poor choices made, and past rejections have worn me down, and I tell myself that doing nothing is a choice too, and I let it all pass.

Times like these, I think about that kid, who brazenly flipped a coin to make a choice that would most likely have changed the rest of his life. And he did so, without as much as a second thought.

I really miss that guy.